Moving my site

Hi all,

After talking to many people, I am finding that wordpress is a better site to blog on.. for lots of reasons.

So, I'm moving there!

I hope you will follow me!

<3
http://alittlekinky.wordpress.com

How do you let go?

I'm the type of person that generally gives you my full trust right off the bat. Maybe this isn't the smartest idea or the safest.. but, it is who I am.

The bad part of this... when someone breaks that trust, its nearly impossible for me to get a strong friendship back with them. I can be like a light switch, and when my emotions are turned off, I rarely turn it back on.

I had a dear friend many years ago. Our children went to the same elementary school, we were part of a big group, were all active in the school, (that was during my PTA years.. LOL).. and we were a group of your typical " kid centered" parents and friends. 
Then she did something pretty crappy to me. If I explained it, it would probably sound really stupid to you.. ( it had to do with drama in the PTA/school world.. ) but, at the time it was a real blow to our friendship and my trust.

So, in doing what I normally do when my feelings get hurt by someone I care about, I walked away from her.  It helped that we moved, our kids went to different schools.. so if either of us didn't make the effort, we wouldn't of seen each other anyway.

Neither one of us made the effort.. 

A couple of years ago I went to a mutual friends birthday party. She was there.   In a wheel chair.

Apparently she went to bed one day and woke up the next not being able to walk.  After many tests it was found she had cancer, and was given a terminal prognosis.

I sat with her and talked.. heard her story.. and was sad at how quickly life can turn on any of us.

But, inside I was still hurt.. I didn't bring up the past, because I felt that was the single most selfish thing I could do.

I was mad at myself.. here is this women who is going through hell and I am mad about some stupid PTA drama from years ago?  Am I mad? stupid? selfish?

Uggh.

We kept in touch here and there via Facebook after that. Nothing huge... She kept asking me to come over.. I kept saying I'd try.. but made no real effort.
I felt bad for her, sad for her family.. not able to even fathom what they were going through, But, I was determined to hold onto my anger and my mistrust, I was hurt.. she hurt me and I didn't want to really let it go.

So today I log on to FB and I see an update from her husband. She is much worse and they see the end coming quickly for her.

So I sit.. reading.. sad.. conflicted.. ready to let go and hopefully see her one last time. Not sure how.

It's easy to say, "just move on..."  but harder to actually do it..

How do you let go when someone you care about really hurts you. How do you move past the pain of someone letting you down, breaking the bonds of friendship and love, and how to you make it real.

I don't know the answers to this. But, I do know that there is a family that has gone through hell. They have gone through the sadness of seeing a loved one dying, hurting and fearful. They are going through the realization that her time is short and they will have to learn to go one with out her.
They are going through a hell I can't imagine and pray to God I wont have to imagine.

I feel so stupid for not just being able to let go of the past. There are times I can, that I see their situation and pain and sadness fill me. Then I think of the past and I'm conflicted.

I ask for prayers and healing to be sent to this family. I ask for the wisdom to understand that the past is the past. I ask for the ability to move on and not be so hard headed some times.

I ask for the ability to let go.

Take me.. or leave me...

I've been doing a lot of thinking about this whole blogging thing. Do I talk about my past? My relationship? My lunch choices for the week...

Well, I think I'm going to take it one day at at time. See what inspiration the world and those in it provides me. See the movement of the world, and where my place is in it.. for the moment anyway.

The result?  Perhaps something kinda cool.  Perhaps I'll stumble on some homeopathic cure for insomnia.. maybe a combination..  :)

But, today the song from Rent is on my mind. 

"Take me as I am.. who I was meant to be.. and if you give a damn.. take me baby or leave me."

How many people can we think of in our live that we'd love to sing this too?  Maybe we wish for some sort of real life soundtrack to follow us around, and in those moments that people just make us stand there and be shocked at the stupidity of the world, this song would come on.. Dancers would come out of the bushes and store fronts and start dancing around us.. and maybe, just maybe they'd get it.

It never ceases to amaze me at how mean people can be. How truly rude and self serving they can be. How two faced they can be. and all the while play the victim.

For example, there is this person in my life.. (and I use the word IN in the very minimalistic terms)  At one time she was very important to me.. but our views on life, sanity and how to be a normal person were very different. So, this happens.. you meet someone and think they are one way, and after a period of time you learn that you were wrong, and you have to rethink the dynamic of the relationship.

Here's the conundrum...

Can you ever go back? Can you just be friends? Be acquaintances?

I had always thought you could.. but I am slowly beginning to think that is as much as a fairy tale as the ones that start Once Upon a Time...

Then these people just seem to enjoy making your life miserable.. they enjoy wallowing in the drama.. they enjoy proving over and over that your thoughts and opinions of them were spot on.

Maybe I am just venting tonight.. and that could very well be. but, my question to you all is this.. If there was a good relationship at one time.. can't you let that be the final memory.. instead of ruining it with garbage and mistrust?
We don't have to agree. You don't have to like what I do and how I do it.  But, those words ring true...

Take me as I am or leave me.

Ask me anything!

I just found out that March is "Ask me anything in my blog" month...

So, cool.. Let's play a game!

Go ahead and ask me anything.. My lifestyle dynamic.. what I like to read, watch.. Have I lost the game recently.. (darn.. I just did!).. and is 42 truly the answer to the universe?

All, any  and in between...

<3

What type of lil are you?

Hi and welcome!

I've been wanting to do this for many years, ever since my D/s journey began.  It's been a years since that first keyboard search... and my life has taken many unexpected and amazing turns and twists!  A very special thanks to a friend of mine who gave me the confidence to take this step... You mean the world to me.. and I wanted to let you know that.

But.. before I get into my life and journey.. I wanted to share with you a writing I did on my thoughts on the types of little's.  Because, for me at least, this discovery had a lot to do with the forming of who I am and where I hope to be.

While I never think people should be put in a box.. Here I go doing just that!  I hope in it you find yourself in one.. or all three! 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(written a year ago...)

What a ride this year has been! I'm so thankful to all my friends, who have really become family to me. The love, support and guidance you all have given to me has shown me what true love/friendship is..and how thankful I am to have you all in my life. I love you all and I hope you all know that I will always be there for you as you have been for me.
I'm also so thankful for my Daddy. His very presence in my life has grounded me and given me strength and hope. I never believed in Soul Mates or true love..until him. Fate is a funny thing, and I will never doubt it again.
Along this journey I've met some amazing B/l relationships. Online, talking and in person, each step has shown me something amazing and beautiful about the lifestyle as well as my own relationship.
Although they all are unique and special in their own right.. it has occurred to me that most lil's seem to fall into three categories. I know for me, I do move between all three, but I fall into the emotional category most of the time.
So..here is where I am so far. This is still a work in progress.. but, I guess isn't that's what life is all about?
.
<3
1. Emotional Lil: This lil is brought out by their emotional state. Fear, vulnerability, sadness, happiness, excitement, etc.. Maybe it is being around other little’s and having fun and being silly or being sad and wanting their Daddie/Mommie to hold them and protect them. Sometimes their emotions can dictate their responses to situations, having them seem to “not be acting their age” to others. Emotions can be sometimes extreme, (silliness turns to bratiness or sadness turning to anger) but, when made to feel safe and secure these emotions often can be leveled and controlled.

2. Physical Lil: This lil is often brought out because of the physical items in their presence. Examples of this can be diaper play, bottles, pacifiers, stuffed animals, blanket or other items like that. Adult baby clothes play pens and special rooms made for the lil are other physical items that can help the lil come out. These lil’s tend to be in their lil space while participating in the activity, and their responses and emotions are relating to the activity they are in.

3. Role Play Lil: These lil’s are brought out in the atmosphere of role play. In the bedroom, (Teacher, student…B/l, etc.…) it can manifest in a sexual encounter. A themed party where one dresses and acts like a school girl, or even an innocent bed time story ritual are other areas that RP can bring out a lil. The B/l dynamic is brought out by the RP, and often does not carry over to real life. Often times the RP will incorporate negations or pre planning before the scene, (either a “script” or a pre discussed fantasy) and has an obvious beginning and ending.